for a healthier mouth... use listerine

o, bay area rapid transit, how many urban sociological wonders hast thou revealed unto us?

...boarded my train this morning, cruised to my favored "spot" for standing - in the middle of the car where the seats back up to each other so i feel fewer people will be looking RIGHT at me (hey, i'm something of an introvert, fairly guarded regarding personal space). that exact spot was filled so i stopped and stood in the aisle, one row down from preferred center. the train seemed strangely full of high schoolers, until i remembered this was spring break week. they had all the earmarks of a church youth group: a fair share of chaperones, none of the kids getting too loud and a general division of subgroups along gender lines within the traveling superstructure. just minutes into the journey, my olfactory sense was tickled with the minty tingle of listerine brand mouthwash. curious, i scanned the area for the source of this contextually unusual scent. in the window, i caught the reflection of a somewhat disheveled man taking polite sips from a bottle of, yes, cool mint® listerine® in the seat behind and to my right. at first it seemed certain he was drinking it, but he was then observed to be "swishing" it around, in the manner demonstrated by the television advertising for cool mint® listerine®. he did this for much longer than the suggested 30 seconds and i concluded that he was a bit "off" and was merely performing the sort of ritual behavior observed in sufferers of asperger syndrome.

that conclusion was thoroughly refuted several seconds later when he vomited in dramatic fashion on the seatback ahead of him and consequently on its unsuspecting teenaged female occupant who then evacuated the soiled seat with some urgency. apparently the "swishing" was a cover for his true intentions, namely the consumption of the 21.6% of the solution that is alcohol. i'd heard of people finding use for this inactive ingredient before but had always marked it down to urban legend.

of course, several in her party helped to comfort the poor girl and attempted to extract apology or explanation from he-who-has-healthy-gums, but he was obviously trashed and not exactly forthcoming verbally. the story, however, does not end here. no, a couple stops later, an older gentlewoman boarded the train and made a beeline for the only available seat, somehow completely missing the discernible cues of shiny wetness all over it. as she began to seat herself, she was warned by the youth around her of the seat's condition but was not convinced by their pleas and, with an air of disdainful resolution not to be run off by these young whippersnappers, sat in spite of them. it was not until a rather surprised-looking older gentleman across the aisle tapped her arm and confirmed the frightful tale that she took keener stock of her surroundings and quickly left the clean-smelling but visibly muddied seat. i daresay it's a blessing she wore her raincoat today...

i think it shall be quite some time before i add listerine twice daily to my oral care routine in hopes of reducing significantly more plaque than brushing and flossing alone... in unrelated news, i think someone in the finance group has the pirates of the caribbean movie theme song set as their ringtone.