mazda 3 review

this weblog has long suffered in the purgatory known as "i-am-way-too-busy-to-post-stupid-crap-anywhere-other-than-facebook-land." so let's resurrect it with everybody's favorite: a rental car review!



last week i had to fly out for a press check on a sunday (boo!) and monday was my birthday (BOOOOOOOO!) but this car was my little birthday miracle. for starters, it was black. always nice to have something other than white, burgundy or gold. second, it was reasonably fast and handled mighty nicely.

but the vehicular icing on the birthday cake: BLUETOOTH HANDSFREE. i got to make telephone calls from the steering wheel and every time i got in the car it started playing MY music from MY phone.

i love the future.

5 out of 5 rental car stars.

toyota corolla review

not much to report on this car, it accelerated and handled fairly well for a rental car with over 30,000 miles logged. the best thing about it was the black paintjob; muuuuuch better than driving a goofy white car AND it was right after the raiders beat the chiefs, so being in a black car just felt "right."

the second best thing about it was when, while rocking out to some Poison on the radio, i managed to punch the shifter knob into neutral. it took a moment for me to realize the sudden, hideous screaming noise outside was being caused by my mashing the gas pedal to the floor while the transmission was completely disengaged...

three out of five stars, yo.

subaru impreza hatchback review

yeah, i reviewed an impreza before, but that one didn't have ALL-WHEEL DRIVE. i can't even begin to describe how much of a difference that makes. it's like going from a skateboard to an audi. and subaru knows it, 'cause they threw down for an interior that's slightly nicer than the borimpreza. the hatchback is a car i would actually request in the future... if i wasn't on some ridiculous mission to review a load of different rental cars for my stupid weblog.

also, someone remind me to bring a car adapter with an audio cable next time, all the cars have aux jacks now.

yaris redux

i nearly forgot to mention:

after we'd secured the rental car and as were walking up to load our bags in the glove box behind the back seats, a hertz employee in the lot walked over and said:

hertz guy: "(unintelligible) car?"

me: "huh?"

hertz guy: "why you ain't get a real car?"

me: "haha!"

hertz guy: (pointing at a mustang) "you need to get somethin' like that."

me: "hmm... i *like* golf carts."

hertz guy: (laughing and shaking head, walks away)

toyota yaris review

i was just at the second best wedding ever (yes, of course, mine was the best ever), but more on that later. for now, let's REVIEW A RENTAL CAR:



i may very well still be completely high on life, but the toyota yaris was instantly one of my favorite rental cars of all time. it's small enough to park in between spaces, it turns on a dime (literally: i put a dime on the ground and turned on it), it has about 945 terribly convenient glove boxes and compartments built in to the dashboard and doors and it isn't offensive to the eye.

going against it are the obviously cheap materials and build quality (exposed, silver bolt heads in the black plastic console and loose seals between pieces) and the fact that the trunk is completely nonexistent.

but, you know what? ANDI AND JARRETT'S WEDDING WAS SO FUN MY HEAD NEARLY EXPLODED AND I GOT SOME INSANE NEW SHOES AND SOMETHING RESEMBLING A TAN! SIX HUNDRED AND FIFTY THREE OUT OF FIVE STARS!

kia optima review

this car was a mixed bag. when i first got in, i saw this:



shrieked like a little girl, and jumped out of the car to grab my iphone and USB cable from my bag in the trunk. i hopped back in, plugged it in and was thoroughly disappointed to see the phone's charging screen flicker on and off rapidly until the radio's screen said something about not able to recognize blah blah. major bummer.

until i realized it had a fully operational death star satellite radio. i tuned that puppy in to liquid metal and proceeded to enjoy every moment in the vehicle from then on.

otherwise, it handles fine, the dashboard sucks and it is aesthetically utterly unremarkable. 3 out of 5 stars.

rental car review

SUPER RENTAL CAR LAZY LATE POST REVIEW BATTLE START!

last month's car, chevrolet HHR:



this "car" was one of the most confusing machines i've ever interfaced with. from a distance, it looks like some old timey ice cream truck kind of thing so it was a little weird to walk up and discover i'm about a foot taller than it. upon closer inspection, it looks like the hideous result of a PT cruiser copulating with a scion XB... ex pee tee bee.

once inside this blocky little minivan, you are confronted with a full-size truck steering wheel and console and pickup-truck seats. seriously, the wheel was bigger than the one in my old ford ranger, it took 45 minutes to turn the wheel enough to pull into a parking place. my mom's old '76 coupe deville had a giant steering wheel but it was to scale... i miss that big, beautiful boat.

also, the windshield was about six inches tall. honestly, who's designing these things? sacrificing visibility for a hideous "look," sounds like a great plan! one out of five stars.

this month's car, honda civic:



japan wins. this car doesn't look so stupid that i'm embarrassed to step out of it, it drives just fine and the interior didn't cause confusion and discomfort. if i had a kid in high school and they graduated with a 4.0 and saved up money to put as a down payment, i would totally buy them a civic. the only real negative: road noise was loud enough that i couldn't hear my phone on speakerphone. i'd actually request this car again, four out of five stars.

subaru impreza review

RETURN OF RENTAL CAR REVIEW!!!

for a rental car, you could do worse.

sure, every. single. thing. inside is plastic BUT it's a fairly nice grade of plastic, not completely offensive to the touch. the engine, sans turbo, still had enough guts that i didn't feel like an idiot trying to merge on to the freeway. the design of the body and interior are super boring. so boring that i didn't even notice it had a sunroof until i was buying gas on the way to return it. i don't really have anything else to say, it was neither awesome nor crap enough to incite florid witticisms.

in summary, all you can ever hope for in a rental car: 3 out of 5 stars.

mazda 5 review

hello, and welcome to the first installment of a new feature here at THIS IS SO DUMB: rental car review!



when i was picking up my car from the friendly folks at the hertz counter in MDT, the clerk asked "right now you're in a mazda 5, is that OK?" i did not heed that subtle warning and answered "sure" without a second thought. CRITICAL ERROR. i had no idea the 5 was a freaking minivan. not just that, but a mini minivan. it's like a squished-up little minivan that could fit inside a real minivan if you pulled out the back seat.

everything about it felt plastic and cheesy, even the tires. i spun out, like, 28 times accelerating from a stop and the traction control only kicked in one time. it felt like i could knock it on its side with a buddy and one good shove. the way-back seats were so far back my backpack barely fit in the "trunk." i think the mustang i had a couple months ago was more fuel-efficient, this thing somehow managed to burn through a quarter tank of gas in a little over 36 hours.

bottom line: the mazda 5 feels crappy to drive, it looks dumb, it's insane to layout a car that freaking small like a van, i felt like a dork driving it and other people looked at me like "what a dork" when i was in it.

-2 out of 5 stars.